Written By: Delza Skye
Trying to keep everyone happy and not upset anyone can become a full-time job. Far out sometimes peopling can be hard work….
There has been times where my relationship with either a good friend or my partner has come into question, which has left me wondering if I am genuinely a nice person or I am a complete c#%t and just don’t know it I’m sure I’m not the only one that has been faced with this thought from time to time.
Before I get right into the thick of things…. I want everyone that is reading this to know that everything I write comes from my own personal experience. I am not a psychologist and anything I say is simply my opinion.
So…. let’s talk some relationship home truths. For starters every single type of relationship is unique, from friends to lovers and even work colleagues. Why are they unique…. because each of us as individuals are unique. Put two people together and there will be fireworks, good and/or bad. Then add that into a group and even more fireworks. Each of us as individuals have different and unique personality traits and this heavily factors into whether or not you will get along with someone, like someone, or even have a short or long term relationship with them. You can not and will not be liked by everyone, it just isn’t possible and that’s ok.
Being in my late 30s now, I’ve had many friends come and go. Some I miss terribly. As you change as a person, find new interests or even move to a new area you will meet new people and sometimes unfortunately grow apart from old friends. It’s just what happens in life. I still have a few friends from way back in primary school I unfortunately don’t see or even talk to often, but we can literally just pick up where we left off no matter how much time has passed. We all have busy lives with work, family, hobbies or extracurricular activities (wink wink, nudge nudge… I’m kidding, or am I… I meant sport/gym…. gosh get your head out of the gutter lol) etc but no matter how busy I am I will try my best to make time for my friends. Honestly, book me in for a coffee date and I’ll be there. So people, how about instead of saying “I’m too busy”, perhaps attempt to make a time to catch up. You’d make time in an heart beat for a love interest (that includes your tinder hook ups) wouldn’t you.
Now, I haven’t done the whole dating thing as I have been with my husband since we were just 14 years old…. just over 24 years together now. It’s a long time, especially this day in age. So obviously being in just the one relationship (that you know of…. again, I’m kidding…. just keeping you on your toes) for a very long time does limit my knowledge on the dynamics of the whole dating realm. However I do have plenty of friends still out there looking for their perfect match (and I use the word ‘perfect’ loosely) and they provide ample amounts of knowledge on this section of relationships. My husband and I have been really lucky in the fact that we have grown together rather than apart and found a way to work through every hurdle that has come our way. Wowzers there’s been a few doozies. After all we are a team “for better or worse”. Please don’t think this means it has all been rainbows and lollipops, we’ve certainly had our ups and downs and even almost got divorced… which I’m not even going to get into right now.
I’ll let you in on a little tip…. if you love someone, you will find a way to forgive, repair and move on from just about anything. There are of course some huge exceptions to this but that’s for you yourself to decide what is worth forgiving and if that person is worth it. No relationship or couple is perfect, NO ONE!!! Remember those unique personalities I mentioned, that’s the reason why there is no perfect relationship. It’s all a myth, like a unicorn (hehe, inside joke). Look you can come pretty close but come on at some point you are going to disagree about something. No one, except the couple themselves truly knows what goes on behind closed doors, so to speak. We should all know by now that social media only shows the best parts of anyones life. So please do not compare yourself and your relationship with anything you see on social media. Trust me, Ive seen the flip side of plenty of my friends lives. Friends posting loving posts about their partner yet they literally just had a conversation with me about how much they loath them. Yeah that actually happens.
For anyone that knows me well, knows I am a [VERY] forgiving and understanding person. I guess this is part of my unique personality. I’m not saying that people can treat me like shit and I don’t care. Bloody oath I care and you can bet your ass I will cry, over think and not sleep over these situations. I am 100% an optimist, I choose to give people the benefit of the doubt and also see the good in them. Yes, this has bitten me in the beautiful peachy booty many times. Yet I still choose to offer second, third and fourth, oh ok and fifth chances to people before cutting them out of my life completely. Even though I’ve legit only ever completely cut someone I’ve called a good friend from my life 3 times. That’s right 3 people have been removed from my life for good. Two of them were just plain narcissists but the other one had hurt me very badly and what could have been so easily mended wasn’t because for the life of him he could not say “I’m sorry”. Just 2 words, I didn’t even want an explanation or even a conversation about what happened, I just wanted to hear those 2 words and then I would of forgiven and moved on. Was I asking too much? Does your pride really get in the way that badly?
When someone stops talking to you, ghosts you or just completely cuts you from their life it can hurt like a mother flipping b#%ch. Especially if you do care about them and have no clue what you did or honestly just didn’t realise your actions caused them hurt. Gosh darn it…. At least tell them what they did or do you really not give 2 sh%ts about that person that you aren’t even willing to approach them about this. Yell, scream, cry tell them to go jump or the standard “f#%k you” works pretty well. Just say something. Seriously sometimes we just don’t bloody have a clue. Yep, people are getting more and more ignorant. I would be beside myself if I found out I hurt a friend and didn’t know I had. I would definitely want to apologise and try to sort it out. I’ll be honest, I have a very sarcastic sense of humour and unless you know that about me you could get offended but I also wear my heart on my sleeve and I’m extremely loyal and giving aswell.
Writing this brings up a lot of emotions for me. Almost 4 years ago the person I called my best friend and I loved like a sister stopped talking to me. I spent close to 3 years going crazy trying to figure out what I did that was so unforgiving that she didn’t want me in her life anymore. So many tears and so many sleepless nights, until one day I realised I just have to move on. Not only did I loose her, my kids lost their friends and I don’t get to see my god daughter. Although there is a small amount of communication still there, I don’t ever see it getting much better than that. I’d give anything to go back and fix what ever I did, unfortunately that’s just not how it works.
If you have someone, friend or partner saying you’ve hurt them, bloody listen! Regardless if you think they are being pathetic or over reacting. If they are saying they are hurt, upset or angry then you need to listen and for just a moment try and see it from their point of view. After all this person is your friend or partner, they mean something to you, right?
Let’s be honest at some point you are going to upset someone. You can not make everyone happy. You may have arguments with your partner and get over it and make up much easier and quicker than you would with a friend. I’ve always been troubled by this. Why is it so much harder to work things out with a friend rather than a partner? I guess this comes down to the dynamics of the actual relationship. You love and care about friends in a different way to your partner. Never the less for stuff sakes, can we all just be adults and speak to each other. Talk it over, validate each others feelings and make up. Really think about it, is it worth loosing a friend over or breaking off your relationship with your partner all because you either couldn’t say sorry or you couldn’t tell them you were/are upset. People speak up. Honestly are you going to forget every good time over one bad time? Well are you?
Personally I feel that friendships are very special and just aren’t worth giving up on easily. Some would disagree (I feel the death stares right now) but like I said I am pretty forgiving. All I’m trying to say is think about how important that person is before you make a massive decision about cutting them from your life. I truly believe that people do some f#%ked up sh%t for all sorts of f#%ked up reasons. Don’t even sit there and think you’ve never done any of this foolishness, you know you have. When emotions are high people can and will become irrational. No matter how hard you try and even though you know that if your friends were acting irrationally and talking some sort bull dang you’d be telling them to cut the crap, you still do it. We are human and we are not perfect.
This brings me to one of my biggest pet hates. People giving advice or saying what they would or wouldn’t do in a situation that they are not in. Just cut that crap out. It isn’t helpful and you need to stop. You have no idea what you would or wouldn’t do because it’s not happening to you and it’s not your relationship! Offer support and understanding but allow the person to make their own decision on the matter. The amount of times I’ve heard someone say “if my partner did that to me, I’d leave them”. Well Karen, would you though, like really would you? Go think on that one. Far out I wouldn’t even be married to my husband or maybe even made it down the aisle if I listened to any of that bull dang. Same with a friendship situation, people saying “I wouldn’t speak to them ever again, if I were you”. Well, you aren’t me so just zip it. Just be there for the people you love and let them decide for themselves, after all it’s their life not yours.
Ohhh, another pet hate…. why not hey. Choosing sides. If I have a situation where I have 2 friends having a disagreement or happen to be in a relationship that’s hit a bumpy road or ended up in Splitsville I will not take sides. My choice to not take sides has not always been welcomed by others within the friend circle and even sometimes with the friends primarily involved. Why the hell do I have to choose which friend I’m taking the side of or keeping in my life. What did they do to me? Nothing. Don’t ask people to take sides or choose, that’s not cool. Are we in primary school? Nope, we are grown ass adults.
These people you call your friend, your family, your lover, your partner are all in your life because they matter to you. Remember that people make mistakes and say and/or do some very silly, sometimes pretty f#%ked up stuff but try to think of all the good they have brought into your life before this foolishness occurred then decide if they are worth it or not.
Love Delza xoxo